Tuesday, June 7, 2011

"My Heart Is Like Totally Broken" - The Bachelorette: A Review.

Together we watched as the dream of a lifetime came true for Ben C., when he was magically transported into an episode of glee, sans singing. His little heart pattered as he learned the dance moves to the carefully crafted choreography created by the world renown dance goddess , Ashley Whateverherlastnameis. My first thought was: this is embarrassing.  My second thought was: I wonder if this dance is on YouTube so I can learn it later. 

Then, out of nowhere, Ben C., whom I call Bensy, dazzles us with his ability to move to the proverbial groove. I, for one, was relieved. Had he turned out to be a terrible dancer, this would have been both embarrassing and disastrous (embastrous, as I like to say). Bensy and Ashley then revealed their dance moves to the world in one, harmonious work of art. Our hearts (or at least mine) beamed as the flash mobbers jigged in unison with Bashley, while they laughed and giggled and cried tears of joy. All to which Bensy responded, “That was incredible. That was incredible. That was incredible.” I just wish we could be more certain that he enjoyed the whole thing.

At dinner we found out that Bensy is the male version of Ashley. “I’ve been thinking about love since I was ten years old,” he tells her.  And we believe him, don’t we? He then mentions something in one breath about lovebeingthegreatestthingeverinthewholeentirewildworld and something else about a bubble. I was sure Ashley would be at least a little turned off by Bensy’s bubble babble, but instead she seems smitten by how much they have in common: “OMG. Seriyusly. We both love dancing, we both love bubbles, we both love love, and we both have ovaries.”

[Cue organ music] The phantom of the Jeffery is here, and there’s the hawk.  Finally, Jeffery takes off the mask. Nothing special here. Moving on to the Bachelorette Roast- man was that a good idea! Way to go producers! Let’s get all the guys to sit in a room and write a list of all the reasons they don’t actually like Ashley.  Brilliant! I can’t think of a better way to decide between a bunch of guys than to see which one can insult me most cruelly. Dually noted, ABC, and thanks again.

Prince William turns out to be not-so-charming after all, as he publically roasts the Bachelorette at the Bachelorette Roast. Horrible timing, to say the least. Come on William! Are you even here for the right reasons? Cut to William and Ashley in tears over the whole ordeal. I can’t help but wonder, is Willy crying because he hurt Ashley’s feelings or because his career as a comedian is over?  Then, two seconds later, the mystery is solved when he declares that he should probably pack his bags and go home.  “When you really hurt someone,” Willy tearfully explained, “sometimes the best thing you can do is pack your bags and leave.” That’s right, Willy. When you stab someone in the heart that you like really, really care about, the best thing to do is also abandon them. 

 [Random shot of Willy running down the street].

[Cue violins and birds chirping] In walks Bentley, the over-achiever, who would never pass up an opportunity to mess with Ashley’s head. “You have a good body, good face, and you are a good dancer. You are what every guy wants,” Bentley says, lovingly. That is so nice.  And then Ashley confesses, “I love the way he thinks.”  I mean, obviously. Who wouldn't want someone to think the nicest things in the entire world about them?

At this point I’m beginning to wonder how it is that we are not mad at the producers. I want to yell from the mountain tops, “Ashley, Chris Harrison is not your friend!” Not only are they having Ashley Roasts but they also are paying this Bentley guy to break her heart, and all for the sake of higher ratings! This is just sick, people. I am so done with this show after I finish this episode and find out what happens next week!

[Cue Jaws music] Bentley arrives at Ashley’s door, nervously checking his reflection in the glass. It wasn’t easy packing those suitcases so quickly.  What if things get wrinkled? What if he forgot to pack his book about WORSHIPING SATAN?!

“Heartbreak is worse than any illness,” Dr. Bentley Businessman MD, explained, right before tearfully breaking things off with Ashley.  “I don’t want to leave but I have to,” he told her. “Save the children. Save the whales. Always recycle.” Ashley saw the struggle going on inside of him and decided to let him go, for the greater good. She then sobbed real quick, and Bentley assured her that he had “the same tears.”

“I fooled everybody! That’s never been done before!” Bentley declares to the camera. And then the entire viewing audience simultaneously wondered if he’d ever seen the show before.

But turn that frown upside down, friends because now its time for PJ’s with JP! No more weeping here, only flannel pants, white v-necks, and surprise! Ashley's glasses. Things are really getting interesting now.  I guess it’s true what they say: heartbreak makes you break out things that you probably shouldn’t, like ill-fitting pajamas and purple glasses.

In closing, some questions for the scholars:

How is it that Bentley is still kind of hot after everything he has put us through?

Why get rid of Jeffery now, when this was by far his most normal episode?

Who was that other guy she kicked off? I don’t remember seeing him before?

Until next time,

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Can You Paint With All The Colors Of The Wind?

I regret to inform you that this morning the Mothership of all tragedies occurred: my dog ate one of my shoes for breakfast. Yeah, for real. And not just any shoe. We are talking an irreplaceable vintage shoe. The kind of shoe that when you wear it people say things like, "I love your shoes! Where ever did you get those?" And you respond very casually with, "Oh thanks, I actually found them at a thrift store..." and in shock they say, "No way! How did you find them?!" And then, after a momentary pause to heighten suspense, you say, "Oh- I don't know. I just happened to be in the right place, I guess," shrugging it off with true humility and then fading into the crowd like the unsung hero that you are...

Anyway, I happened upon the picture above while perusing Tumblr the other day- and I am pretty sure that girl is wearing my very same vintage Calico's- may they RIP. 

Onto other things, I decided recently that there are two kinds of people in the world: those who primarily dress according to color and those who primarily dress according to shape. And, as it turns out, I am a shape person. I will always choose the sweater that fits well over the one that actually compliments my outfit, color-wise. I know some of you are probably thinking: I dress according to shape and color. And to that I say, good for you, maybe you should go on Project Runway! But anyway, the reason I'm saying all of this is because the Sartorialist posted some Fendi runway shots with fantastic color combinations that could really help a color challenged sister like myself.

On a side note: I was informed recently that it is "frowned upon" to post pictures without naming the source, which was devastating news to me because I don't want people frowning when they read this blog- unless it is to contemplate something deep that I just said. So rest assured, friends. We are giving photo cred now.

You'll see that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.


Monday, February 21, 2011

This One's For You, Tommy.

In first grade I called a kid "four eyes" and to this day I still feel bad about the whole thing. He was making all of these weird faces at me, and naturally, I assumed we were fighting. Those faces were atrocious! Trust me, there was no time for dilly-dally. I had to act, and so I decided to go straight for the jugular: "Stop it, FOUR EYES!" I tactfully blurted. Then I watched the devastation sweep over his face as he realized we were not friends after all. "You're mean," he mumbled with what little strength he had left, and then crumpled lifelessly into his seat.

Mean? Me? No! I was standing up for what was right- fighting for all mankind! How could I sit idly by as  such hideous faces were being made? ... I wanted to say I was sorry. I wanted to make things right between us. I wanted to turn back time and play the ugly faces game! But it was too late. The damage was irreversible, and nearly 20 years later (emphasis on nearly) my heart still aches at the thought of it. I'm sorry, Tommy!

And who knew that when we grew up glasses would become so fashionable?  Big, obnoxious glasses, for that matter! Needless to say, I didn't see that coming. And, as fate would have it, I have been making arrangements to get a pair of my own.


Friday, February 18, 2011

If I were a Rockstar

This week has been a little on the slow side at my day job (yesterday I painted my nails at my desk). When boredom starts to rear its ugly head I start to do ridiculous things in order to rid myself of it. Yesterday I found myself doing a little daydreaming which led me to write this post.
A thing that you may not know about me is that I always wanted to be a Rockstar. More specifically I always wanted to be Gwen Stefani. Ever since I was 12 and I first heard the stellar beats of No Doubts "Spiderweb" I was hooked on Gwen. I mean really, how cool does she look here?
This fondness for rock and all things musical prompted me to make a list of a few of the awesome songs I would cover if I was a rock star. I'm going with covers because I have never written a song of my own (actually this is not true, I once made up words to the Jurrasic Park Theme song). I thought I would share these songs with you, because they are awesome. And make me wanna rock, or something along those line....
The Bends -Radiohead
Because everyone likes Radiohead

Meet Me In The Bathroom -The Strokes
The Strokes never fail to keep me upbeat

Sunday Bloody Sunday -U2
I know, U2, what a cliche, but come on guys, this is a great song (also let's talk about The Edge's sweet buffalo check vest. Stellar!)

Up, Up & Away -KiD CuDi
KiD CuDi is awesome. I could totally make this into a Rock Anthem. Also if I covered this song I could say something ridiculous like "This one is for all the haters" I have always wanted to say that.

My Name Is Jonas -Weezer
This song is just awesome.
The Magnificent Seven -The Clash
I love The Clash so much, it is not even funny.
Bye Bye Bye -Nsync
Obviously I have to go back to my roots. Nsync holds a special place in my heart. Basically I was totally obsessed with them. I was definitely going to marry Lance Bass (I know, let's not go there.)

I think this is a pretty good list of songs I think I could rock. What is a rocker to wear? Well here is one such example...

A Clash t-shirt, to represent how punk rock I am. Chuck Taylors, because The Ramones wore Chucks. A leather jacket because there is nothing more rock and roll than that. Denim mini skirt, just cause it's cute. Black nail polish, I imagine this is what Courtney Love wears. A Gibson Les Paul, which I would of course refer to as my axe. Finally a microphone for singing, duh! 




Thursday, February 17, 2011

What's in a Comment?

Well, guys. I have a small issue I want to address, and that issue is with you: Silent Reader. You know who you are. You read this blog, you laugh, you cry, you grow a little, and then you leave without even saying hello. You might not eat and run, but you certainly read and run!

 Don't even think for a second that we don't know you've been here. Using and abusing us, basically. I mean seriously, is a simple, "OMG. You girls are soo funny and awesome and fashionable and popular and cool! Especially you Mandi!" so much to ask? IS IT? (Don't tell Shanna I said that.)

I implore you, silent reader, to make yourself known. I believe it was Noah & The Whale, (not to be confused with the real Noah) (or the real Whale) who said, "If you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own." Well, this is your chance, friend. If you comment on our blog, we will love you eternally.

In closing, I would like to recite a poem that I wrote, which is aptly titled, Comments.


Comments, comments,
They are so nice,
They are even cooler,
Than vanillia ice (ice baby.)
I don't know,
But the thing of it is,
If you leave comments,
You are: The Shiz.

yours truly,
Mandi Dickinson

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


Who is this Olivia Palermo, anyway? She is everywhere. Fashion Diva of a lifetime, basically. As far as I know, it all started with The City (let's not pretend we didn't watch it) and the next thing I know she is fashion's IT girl, as they say. I mean, whatever happened to our hating her? She was Whitney's arch nemesis and it was our job, as faithful City watchers, to hate her. Right?

Seriously. She was always saying annoying things like, "I am not going to continue further into this discussion" when confronted about something. Who does that? Actually, I tried it once. SEE. Thats what happens when you watch reality tv. Conflict resolution turns into Palermo resolution and that, my friends, is a scary thing. And now we love her even more than we love Whitney, don't we? What is wrong with us?

In the meantime, here are some fantastic pictures of Olivia in the Tibi spring collection, as featured on The Vogue Diaries this week.

...I'm not going to continue any further into this blog post.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Valentine's Day Gift Guide

Monday is a big day guys. If you weren't aware, it is Valentine's Day. Here at The Superfish we have a few thoughts on Valentine's Day gift giving. The first concept we would like to put forth is this one: Guys, you're girlfriend does not want heart shaped jewelery.
This necklace says something like "I put no thought into what my girlfriend really likes but it was on sale at Zales." 
Something else your girlfriend does not want: a Whitman's Sampler.
Honestly there are usually about 2 pieces of candy in these things that actually taste good and your girlfriend knows that you bought it at CVS. She deserves better.
Something that I find to be cringe inducing that I see sitting on the bed of so many of my friends are things like this:
Hopefully your girlfriend is an actual adult. Why does she want a stupid Teddy bear holding a heart. She isn't 5, she isn't going to snuggle it at night. What she is going to do is set it on her bed and then throw it on the floor when she crawls into bed at night. If she has a dog eventually he will somehow get a hold of it and your "thoughtful" Valentine's day gift will eventually become the dog's new toy. 
 Last, but certainly not least, your girlfriend does not want a copy of The Notebook.
If you're a bird I'm a bird

She probably already has a copy. Also, this movie idealizes unrealistic expectations that neither you nor your girlfriend can live up to. Why would you want to set your relationship up for disaster like that?

I do have a few ideas of somethings your girlfriend may actually like....

Peonies> Roses
Tiffany Celebration Ring

Michael Kor's Cashmere Sweatpants
Assorted Hershey's Candy
 These are just a few ideas. Use your own judgement, follow your heart. A rule of thumb would be that if it is pink, has hearts on it or can be bought at a grocery store it is a no go (except the hershey's, you can never go wrong with a Reese's Cup).