Tuesday, June 7, 2011

"My Heart Is Like Totally Broken" - The Bachelorette: A Review.

Together we watched as the dream of a lifetime came true for Ben C., when he was magically transported into an episode of glee, sans singing. His little heart pattered as he learned the dance moves to the carefully crafted choreography created by the world renown dance goddess , Ashley Whateverherlastnameis. My first thought was: this is embarrassing.  My second thought was: I wonder if this dance is on YouTube so I can learn it later. 

Then, out of nowhere, Ben C., whom I call Bensy, dazzles us with his ability to move to the proverbial groove. I, for one, was relieved. Had he turned out to be a terrible dancer, this would have been both embarrassing and disastrous (embastrous, as I like to say). Bensy and Ashley then revealed their dance moves to the world in one, harmonious work of art. Our hearts (or at least mine) beamed as the flash mobbers jigged in unison with Bashley, while they laughed and giggled and cried tears of joy. All to which Bensy responded, “That was incredible. That was incredible. That was incredible.” I just wish we could be more certain that he enjoyed the whole thing.

At dinner we found out that Bensy is the male version of Ashley. “I’ve been thinking about love since I was ten years old,” he tells her.  And we believe him, don’t we? He then mentions something in one breath about lovebeingthegreatestthingeverinthewholeentirewildworld and something else about a bubble. I was sure Ashley would be at least a little turned off by Bensy’s bubble babble, but instead she seems smitten by how much they have in common: “OMG. Seriyusly. We both love dancing, we both love bubbles, we both love love, and we both have ovaries.”

[Cue organ music] The phantom of the Jeffery is here, and there’s the hawk.  Finally, Jeffery takes off the mask. Nothing special here. Moving on to the Bachelorette Roast- man was that a good idea! Way to go producers! Let’s get all the guys to sit in a room and write a list of all the reasons they don’t actually like Ashley.  Brilliant! I can’t think of a better way to decide between a bunch of guys than to see which one can insult me most cruelly. Dually noted, ABC, and thanks again.

Prince William turns out to be not-so-charming after all, as he publically roasts the Bachelorette at the Bachelorette Roast. Horrible timing, to say the least. Come on William! Are you even here for the right reasons? Cut to William and Ashley in tears over the whole ordeal. I can’t help but wonder, is Willy crying because he hurt Ashley’s feelings or because his career as a comedian is over?  Then, two seconds later, the mystery is solved when he declares that he should probably pack his bags and go home.  “When you really hurt someone,” Willy tearfully explained, “sometimes the best thing you can do is pack your bags and leave.” That’s right, Willy. When you stab someone in the heart that you like really, really care about, the best thing to do is also abandon them. 

 [Random shot of Willy running down the street].

[Cue violins and birds chirping] In walks Bentley, the over-achiever, who would never pass up an opportunity to mess with Ashley’s head. “You have a good body, good face, and you are a good dancer. You are what every guy wants,” Bentley says, lovingly. That is so nice.  And then Ashley confesses, “I love the way he thinks.”  I mean, obviously. Who wouldn't want someone to think the nicest things in the entire world about them?

At this point I’m beginning to wonder how it is that we are not mad at the producers. I want to yell from the mountain tops, “Ashley, Chris Harrison is not your friend!” Not only are they having Ashley Roasts but they also are paying this Bentley guy to break her heart, and all for the sake of higher ratings! This is just sick, people. I am so done with this show after I finish this episode and find out what happens next week!

[Cue Jaws music] Bentley arrives at Ashley’s door, nervously checking his reflection in the glass. It wasn’t easy packing those suitcases so quickly.  What if things get wrinkled? What if he forgot to pack his book about WORSHIPING SATAN?!

“Heartbreak is worse than any illness,” Dr. Bentley Businessman MD, explained, right before tearfully breaking things off with Ashley.  “I don’t want to leave but I have to,” he told her. “Save the children. Save the whales. Always recycle.” Ashley saw the struggle going on inside of him and decided to let him go, for the greater good. She then sobbed real quick, and Bentley assured her that he had “the same tears.”

“I fooled everybody! That’s never been done before!” Bentley declares to the camera. And then the entire viewing audience simultaneously wondered if he’d ever seen the show before.

But turn that frown upside down, friends because now its time for PJ’s with JP! No more weeping here, only flannel pants, white v-necks, and surprise! Ashley's glasses. Things are really getting interesting now.  I guess it’s true what they say: heartbreak makes you break out things that you probably shouldn’t, like ill-fitting pajamas and purple glasses.

In closing, some questions for the scholars:

How is it that Bentley is still kind of hot after everything he has put us through?

Why get rid of Jeffery now, when this was by far his most normal episode?

Who was that other guy she kicked off? I don’t remember seeing him before?

Until next time,


  1. This is just fantastic. And sadly this is not the only bachelorette recap that I read. This ranks right up there w/ the best of them. You have a brilliant mind, Mandi. Brilliant, I say.

  2. This is simply amazing. That is all.

  3. i'm asking myself the same question: How is it that Bentley is still kind of hot after everything he has put us through?